Intercaste marriages illegal in India and Nepal

Kathmandu, Nepal, October 23 — Chandra, my 28-year-old sister, was working in Kathmandu, Nepal, and her Indian boyfriend wanted to marry her. He was in the process of finalizing the marriage. But then, my sister decided to run away to her boyfriend that lives in New Delhi, and her true love.

Her boyfriend Anil has a completely different background and comes from a different caste. In Indian and Nepali society, being in an intercaste marriage for a woman is socially unacceptable. Also, women are not allowed to express their own preferences in love and their desires for marriage. My sister was still young then. She fled without notice. I wept for my family’s situation, not allowing my mother to see my tears.

"Your sister has insulted our family," my mother told me. "Not only in this life, but I won't see her face in the next seven lives either. If you try to meet her, you won't find me alive and you will be responsible for my death." I could see the teardrops falling down from her feeble eyes.

In our society, women are not allowed to marry on their own terms. In our village, when a girl turns sixteen, the parents rush to get her married. They don't understand that girls might prefer pursuing an education and earning an income.

My sister is known for her community work in Kathmandu. The women and children of our community have a great respect and affection for her. A thousand times, I have heard them express their gratitude toward my sister, saying what a kind woman she is. My sister is still young enough to get married. She has been known to receive as many as five marriage proposals in one day from young men.

"I am really fond of children," my sister once said. "I wish to find a job in a primary school. Please advise me, should I go? I do not intend to stay in the kitchen." I liked the strength and will of my sister.

After my sister’s escapade, my mother bemoaned to me, "I treated your sister as equal to a son. Perhaps if I had kept her under control, she would not send me to an early grave. What pain one feels being forced to the grave before death; I am suffering in that way, suffering a living death."

I replied with emotion, "What you are saying now seems senseless. What is her mistake? She was young and she chose a young boy to marry. It is a very simple matter. It averted the problem of arranging a marriage ceremony for her. I have not complained about what she did, but I am worried whether she chose the right person or not."

During a visit, a neighbor and aunt by relation, poured salt on my mother's bleeding wound, by saying, "How are you? Hasn't your daughter made you look bad? You were proud of your daughter. Now the entire village is laughing at her actions."

I was sitting at the dining table at the time, while my aunt spoke the above words outside in the yard, where a mat was kept for sitting. “Now here you are. Your daughter has become the object of laughter of everyone in the village."

I couldn’t take it, and so said, "Aunt! You are also the mother of three daughters. Being a mother of daughters, it is not good to sing the song of what has already happened. It is shameful to speak in such a judgmental way."

From outside, my aunt thundered, "Come out to speak! I, being fair-minded, have come to share the pain!" I went to the kitchen and hurriedly prepared tea.

Due to societal and family pressures, young girls understand what their parents expect of them. I don't believe, however, in the overall success of a woman who is forced into an arranged marriage by her family.

My sister had told me once, "I must add that most of the weddings in our culture are [arranged] and the success rate is not really all that bad, because of the overall family support and the high value that society then places on us."

A friend once offered another opinion, "Regarding the wedding issue, parents have the right to pressure their daughters into arranged marriages for the sake of their happiness. After all, parents always wish the best for their children and for them to experience unconditional happiness."

I know that arranged weddings in India and Nepal are mandated by our culture, but I believe that the bride and groom must share compatibility in terms of their future, careers, beliefs, values and lifestyles, which are important and affect our lives. Therefore, it should be a woman's choice as to the kind of person she wants to have for a husband and with whom to share her life.